What if I ran my business like the medical system?

I’m a brand strategy consultant (barely at this point—work is crushing me) but my doctors are rich and I’m poor. What if I ran things their way?

For starters, you’d try to get on my schedule. That’d be fun. I’d have cancelled my online scheduling tool. Instead I’d make you prove yourself with at least a half-hour of bad hold music (that’ll weed out the tire-kickers!).

Bum bum da ding ba ding YOUR CALL IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US ka ka ka klap

When you finally got through to my front desk staff, they’d tell you needed a referral from a different marketing professional—even if you talked to me directly about our consultation.

Soooo you’d make an appointment with another marketing professional, booked a few months out. “I’m not sure you need a brand strategist,” they’d say. “Have you tried Facebook ads?” You’d beg. They’d cave. Back to hold and you’d be in like flynn with me.

Then I’d cancel on you the day before your much-awaited appointment.

A few months later, you’d finally find yourself in my office. My assistant would come in and ask you what the problem was. Then she’d leave you there for 45 minutes, fidgeting under fluorescent lights. Finally, a full hour late, I’d come in.

“Hi!” I’d say kindly, looking at my assistant’s notes. “So you’re having marketing problems and want a ‘brand strategy.’ Why do you think that?”

It’d rush out of your mouth, a firehose of words describing your marketing challenges, racing the clock. “No one knows our story,” you’d say, “no one understands what we DO.”

“I don’t think it’s serious enough for a brand strategy,” I’d reassure you. “Have you tried not thinking about it?”

Then I’d shake your hand and bill you $300. Three months later. With a “facility fee.”